May 22, 2009

When is 2009 going to end??

For those of you who really know me will be shocked at this entry, but what the hell .. here it goes

I'm not a doctor, but I can definitely diagnose myself with depression. I blame the idea of New Years. Everyone is on this high and looking forward to the new year and how its going to be "different." Well they are definitely right. Almost 6 months into this year, I can fairly say that this has been the worst year of my life. The absolute worst. Don't get me wrong .. I have a lot to be thankful for. Health, family, friends. What else is missing? You would think nothing. But just because I have all of those, doesn't mean that I'm living the blissful life.

Ever since I was a kid, my family has been number one. And no matter what was going on with the family, I was to never let anybody know if we were going through some family problems. That paved the way for the depression I have diagnosed myself with today. Not that its anybody's business, but how are you supposed to go about your life when you know your family is going through some really tough times? With my family, you just do it and smile.

Everybody always tells me that I'm so lucky to be the only girl. They only see the perks (room filled with bags, jewelery & watches galore, designer clothes I don't even like ... the list goes on). I had a very mixed upbringing. Mainly western, but very arab on the weekends. All the shows I watched and the books (ok .. one book) I read talking about retail therapy. That's the only reason I have those things. If I had the choice, I'd rather be broke with no family problems.

The 4 years in university were an escape. A relief. I didn't know of any major family problems and would see my family every weekend or so. Moving back home has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Realizing that things aren't as perfect as I had hoped was a major reality check.

The downside of being the only girl is that I had to grow up far too quickly. This meant that my mother and I have a relationship where we are friends. Since my mother moved away from her family to start her own, she isn't surrounded by her close friends. So she confides in me. And I have to fix it. My father does the same thing (but only if it's a really big deal) and so do my brothers. So I'm left carrying everybody's burden and trying to fix it all. And the problem with that is you have to stay focused. You cannot break down at all. What good would it do if my mother was upset and I started to cry? No good at all. That's why I put on a smile, tell a joke to make her laugh and plan a solution.

At work, I'm apart of the deal team that is a few weeks away from "closing a deal" - meaning that the next few weeks requires me to be at the office daily until 9 - 10 PM and continue work from home until about 1 - 2 AM. On weekends, my blackberry wakes me with emails at all hours of the night. So I dedicate a few hours to sit and respond to everyone and schedule meetings for the coming week. I went on "vacation" (which my coworkers said I needed) to lebanon and of the 5 days there, spent 4.5 working on a final report that I was to submit before our CEO walked back into the office on Sunday and on conference calls where I was "constantly thanked for taking the call on my holiday." Adding to that, each person of our team is "an expert" in a few markets. Of course that means that in my 5 days off, I kept getting emails from my team saying, "Please take a quick look and see if its this is good to invest in." Quick look is a lie. When I open up the attachment on my blackberry, I would see that it was a 50 - 80 page file. I would put my phone down, take a very deep breath, take my moleskin diary out to take notes on my "quick look," and respond to the email within the hour. As if this wasn't enough, I had to furnish my bedroom in our new house in the mountains (at this time, i must say how much i hate "nature" and felt sick to my stomach when I walked into the house after a 40 minute drive from our hotel in the centre of beirut). Furnishing a new room from scratch is hard enough - having an interior designer who thinks he's God makes it all worth while. My father forgot to mention my age when he told "interior designer God" i was a girl. This resulted in a room full of light peach, green and blue. I wanted to vomit. He showed us the designs of my brothers room where he took a more "royal approach" meaning everything is maroon, gold, red and brown. I wanted to vomit. Instead, I cut the meeting very short and (rudely) told him to meet us at 8:30 AM tomorrow in the curtain shop so I can "edit" a few things I didn't like. What did that mean? It meant that I spent a good 4 hours in the store changing every single room (9 rooms in total) expect my parent's room because my father was so "embarassed by me." I'm sorry that I can't imagine a seating area with three wooden "love seats" hand-designed by some French designer. My brothers would sit on it once and break it. I'm sorry that I would rather hang myself from the curtain rail than see curtains in bedrooms that tassles and a "puff" that came down over the light curtains. We are a family that couldn't care less how much something costs. We want comfort and a "homey" feel. I don't want "to be careful" in my room, because the bed covers were silk (mind you, we've never had bed covers, because we think sheets, blankets, pillows and some decorative pillows are enough). That was my holiday.

As if all of the above weren't enough, I've had to cut two people out of my life who were a pretty big part of it. I stopped going to visit my grandparents (both sides), because my mother's side has too many issues o ana mub nag9a and my dad's side .. just cuz.

Alsoooooo, I'm emphathetic by nature. So if I know that anyyyy of my friends/family members have ni9 problem, that's enough for me to become really really sad, cuz a7s maystahiloon.

As if my uncle knew I was writing this, I just got a jim3a message from him that says (loosely translated from Arabic - English):
7 keys rules to happiness
(1) Don't hate anyone, no matter what they've done
(2) Never worry
(3) Live simply
(4) Expect good things and that should drive away the bad
(5) Give a lot, even if you get little
(6) Smile, even if your heart is bleeding
(7) Always pray that the people you know are happy, even if they aren't in your life

Those are the rules I've always lived with. So I guess I'll just take a deep breath, smile and forward that message onto my friends while I wait for 2009 to end.