I miss my tinkerbell

For the few of you who know me .. one thing is obvious .. my "girl"friends are very limited

So when one of the tiny number of girlfriends disappears .. i worry

I miss u amool! : (

I know we've never physically met *which sounds weird now that I say it out loud*

But i miss ur random bbm voice notes about the random guy u saw outside the store that pissed u off

I miss ur perfectly-timed phone calls where I would look at my phone .. see "Unknown" .. and know it was u the minute I hear a thick English accent with some bedouin Emarati lingo

I hate how our mutual friend msg me and ask me where u are and i don't have answer for them .. I don't know what to say .. so I reply by jokingly saying "You know Amool .. She'll show up soon!"

But now a few months later .. I dont know if I believe myself anymore ..

Amool .. I really hope you're ok .. and just know that whenever u need someone to talk to .. about anything .. I'm here for u .. the same way u were there for me the 1000s of times I needed a girlfriend to talk to

Thought about it ...

But i didnt ..

I felt like deleting my the last few depressing blog posts as I sat in the office after hours sipping on my coconut-smelling turkish coffee I picked up from al rifai on my last visit to beirut.

But then i took a deep breath and read over the last one specifically. It goes to show u that life has its ups and downs. And that was definitely a down. So now as I sit here, I have 3 thoughts in my head: (1) 7mdilla 3la kl 7al ... (2) why on earth are the ladies from Nails Salon not picking up! :( and ... (3) im going to pass by the supermarket for a few things to make tiramisu for the office tomorrow ..

As u might notice .. my life seems to be in a better place 7mdilla :)

More later

When is 2009 going to end??

For those of you who really know me will be shocked at this entry, but what the hell .. here it goes

I'm not a doctor, but I can definitely diagnose myself with depression. I blame the idea of New Years. Everyone is on this high and looking forward to the new year and how its going to be "different." Well they are definitely right. Almost 6 months into this year, I can fairly say that this has been the worst year of my life. The absolute worst. Don't get me wrong .. I have a lot to be thankful for. Health, family, friends. What else is missing? You would think nothing. But just because I have all of those, doesn't mean that I'm living the blissful life.

Ever since I was a kid, my family has been number one. And no matter what was going on with the family, I was to never let anybody know if we were going through some family problems. That paved the way for the depression I have diagnosed myself with today. Not that its anybody's business, but how are you supposed to go about your life when you know your family is going through some really tough times? With my family, you just do it and smile.

Everybody always tells me that I'm so lucky to be the only girl. They only see the perks (room filled with bags, jewelery & watches galore, designer clothes I don't even like ... the list goes on). I had a very mixed upbringing. Mainly western, but very arab on the weekends. All the shows I watched and the books (ok .. one book) I read talking about retail therapy. That's the only reason I have those things. If I had the choice, I'd rather be broke with no family problems.

The 4 years in university were an escape. A relief. I didn't know of any major family problems and would see my family every weekend or so. Moving back home has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Realizing that things aren't as perfect as I had hoped was a major reality check.

The downside of being the only girl is that I had to grow up far too quickly. This meant that my mother and I have a relationship where we are friends. Since my mother moved away from her family to start her own, she isn't surrounded by her close friends. So she confides in me. And I have to fix it. My father does the same thing (but only if it's a really big deal) and so do my brothers. So I'm left carrying everybody's burden and trying to fix it all. And the problem with that is you have to stay focused. You cannot break down at all. What good would it do if my mother was upset and I started to cry? No good at all. That's why I put on a smile, tell a joke to make her laugh and plan a solution.

At work, I'm apart of the deal team that is a few weeks away from "closing a deal" - meaning that the next few weeks requires me to be at the office daily until 9 - 10 PM and continue work from home until about 1 - 2 AM. On weekends, my blackberry wakes me with emails at all hours of the night. So I dedicate a few hours to sit and respond to everyone and schedule meetings for the coming week. I went on "vacation" (which my coworkers said I needed) to lebanon and of the 5 days there, spent 4.5 working on a final report that I was to submit before our CEO walked back into the office on Sunday and on conference calls where I was "constantly thanked for taking the call on my holiday." Adding to that, each person of our team is "an expert" in a few markets. Of course that means that in my 5 days off, I kept getting emails from my team saying, "Please take a quick look and see if its this is good to invest in." Quick look is a lie. When I open up the attachment on my blackberry, I would see that it was a 50 - 80 page file. I would put my phone down, take a very deep breath, take my moleskin diary out to take notes on my "quick look," and respond to the email within the hour. As if this wasn't enough, I had to furnish my bedroom in our new house in the mountains (at this time, i must say how much i hate "nature" and felt sick to my stomach when I walked into the house after a 40 minute drive from our hotel in the centre of beirut). Furnishing a new room from scratch is hard enough - having an interior designer who thinks he's God makes it all worth while. My father forgot to mention my age when he told "interior designer God" i was a girl. This resulted in a room full of light peach, green and blue. I wanted to vomit. He showed us the designs of my brothers room where he took a more "royal approach" meaning everything is maroon, gold, red and brown. I wanted to vomit. Instead, I cut the meeting very short and (rudely) told him to meet us at 8:30 AM tomorrow in the curtain shop so I can "edit" a few things I didn't like. What did that mean? It meant that I spent a good 4 hours in the store changing every single room (9 rooms in total) expect my parent's room because my father was so "embarassed by me." I'm sorry that I can't imagine a seating area with three wooden "love seats" hand-designed by some French designer. My brothers would sit on it once and break it. I'm sorry that I would rather hang myself from the curtain rail than see curtains in bedrooms that tassles and a "puff" that came down over the light curtains. We are a family that couldn't care less how much something costs. We want comfort and a "homey" feel. I don't want "to be careful" in my room, because the bed covers were silk (mind you, we've never had bed covers, because we think sheets, blankets, pillows and some decorative pillows are enough). That was my holiday.

As if all of the above weren't enough, I've had to cut two people out of my life who were a pretty big part of it. I stopped going to visit my grandparents (both sides), because my mother's side has too many issues o ana mub nag9a and my dad's side .. just cuz.

Alsoooooo, I'm emphathetic by nature. So if I know that anyyyy of my friends/family members have ni9 problem, that's enough for me to become really really sad, cuz a7s maystahiloon.

As if my uncle knew I was writing this, I just got a jim3a message from him that says (loosely translated from Arabic - English):
7 keys rules to happiness
(1) Don't hate anyone, no matter what they've done
(2) Never worry
(3) Live simply
(4) Expect good things and that should drive away the bad
(5) Give a lot, even if you get little
(6) Smile, even if your heart is bleeding
(7) Always pray that the people you know are happy, even if they aren't in your life

Those are the rules I've always lived with. So I guess I'll just take a deep breath, smile and forward that message onto my friends while I wait for 2009 to end.

ReSolution status

Since its already (almost) a full two weeks into the new year .. i'd like to comment on the status of the resolutions i made .. the ones i broke or haven't nearly started are going to be in GREEN

Personal:
Worry less - So far so good
Be less scared and more confident - So far so good
Make monthly goals - Does January count? i JUST made 50
Create a vision board - Not yet
Finish room - 80% done (Needed: chandelier, carpet & organization scheme)
Try to be less materialistic (keyword: TRY) - ummm .. So far so good .. I think .. until the Chanel bag i just ordered gets here
Save some money - very bad progress : ( ..
Keep smiling because if I show that you're happy, I might even trick yourself into believing it at the worst times - Doing great
Give 50% of my clothes to charity because really, overflowing closets doesn't mean I love what's in there - Beautifully cleaned out my closet .. but now i think i dont have enough clothes .. hence the "save some money" bad progress
Do one good deed a day - I think so .. : ) .. feel better about myself

Family:
Know that not everything is in my hands - Ok ..
Never stop wishing - know that wishing doesnt mean it will actually happen - Wishing has gotten to be a pain in the ass cuz i KNOWWWW it doesnt mean it will happen .. but then whats the point??
Visit my father's side of the family at least once a month - the month isnt over .. tick tock tick tock
Be much more patient - kinda
Help my mother more with her work - I spent an hour on Saturday doing her work : )
Help my brother with his school work - he hasn't asked me yet
Keep in touch with the London division of my family - very bad .. bad bad haif
Frame meaningful pictures and display them around the house - not yet
Try to go on family vacations - when???
Leave stubborness aside - Sureee ..

Work:
Focus on the deals I'm getting - just today people started replying to my emails but so far so good
Pass my CFA by studying and going to all my classes (and not be scared to ask questions) - need to start the classes on Monday
Take more notes - i will!
Show my manager how responsible I can be - when he gets back
Be confident enough to speak more at external meetings - So far so good! : D
Take a deal to the next level - Valuating a company as I type .. well not AS I type .. just in between strokes : p
Make it clear that I DO want to work abroad for a couple months - haven't done that just yetttt
Initiate discussion about masters programs - maybe towards the end of the year
Look for training courses - maybe after the Summit
Clarify something instead of assume they meant something else - so far so good!

Physical:
Join the gym - thats the first step - when? now? no time yet!
Eat better - mn ilyoom!!
Hot oil treatment for my hair once a week - 2 weeks passed .. bad progress :(
Stop drinking fizzy drinks - oops .. ok ok .. fine mn ilyoom also
Have 1 cup of coffee a day - very well actually
Drink more green tea - blegh .. fine!
Weekly manicure/pedicure and treatment every other week - bad progress
Finish Roactane schedule (for the 3rd time cuz I get too lazy to finish) - too msta7ya to go back to my dermatologist to tell him i stopped again!
Floss - bad bad Haif
Use sunblock - i started using face cream .. so i guess that should count for something

Relationships:
Show people that I love how much I love them - yes! very good progress
Stop getting upset over silly things - its hard .. but i think im doing it
Stop being a "tease" - no .. i refuse .. can i delete this one ?
Continue giving advice - i need to write a book on advice
Dont trust everyone - MUCH needed area of my resolution .. but so far on track
Stop talking when you really have nothing to say - good job haif .. : )
Think before you do anything - thinking .. thought of .. done!
Stop doing something when you really don't want to - but its so hard to say no!
Appreciate the friends I have - check
Push the bad out - pushinggg over the ledge .. good progress